Managing Guilt: Constructive vs. Destructive

It may seem oxymoronic to most but God does not want us to optimize our guilty consciouses.  No one likes to feel guilty.  Guilt is a depressing feeling, causing us to feel like we are unsuccessful or an unacceptable person.  We all have felt remorse at some point in time in our lives.  But God does not want us to be down on ourselves. BibleStudyTools.com, Depression Bible Verses (Assessed 10-29-2024)(quoting Isaiah 41:10, “Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.”).  Neither does She desire to enable others to belittle or abuse us. See e.g., Downing, K., WWJD? Love, Not Domestic Abuse.  What Women Need to Know About Bible Verses on “Submission.”, FYF eNewsletter, (Feb. 16, 2024).

There is such a thing as too much guilt, destructive guilt, which demoralizes us causing us to give up on trying to become better believers.  Ironically, many associate God or religion with feeling culpable and we get depressed about Faith.  Guilt and guilt manipulation deter many from getting involved in the church.  Moreover, sometimes that contrition causes us to stay in a rut, beat ourselves down or talk ourselves into believing that we deserve less than others, like we are beneath other people and they have a right to mistreat us. The more guilty we feel, the more shame weighs us down and the weight of guilt can become too heavy for us to ever lift ourselves out of our depression.  This negative guilt not only makes us feel as if we are sinful but it also makes us feel awkward in a spiritual environment, such that we believe that there is no possible path to redemption for us.  In this way, guilt traps us in a cycle of bad behavior so that we can feel more regret and repeat more bad behavior. 

"We get stuck in the guilt trap when our responses to guilt lead us to withdraw excessively and keep striving to make amends for things without stopping to evaluate our levels of responsibility.  This leads to over-estimations of responsibility, excessive guilt (which is included in the DSM 5 criteria for depression), excessive withdrawal and excessive attempts to make amends."

Howells, L., Understanding guilt: The Useless emotion?, The British Psychological Society, (Nov. 10, 2022).  We see ourselves as the negative act that we do, sinners, condemned and doomed. And we lack motivation to even try to become better people, try to get closer to God.  Guilt can be destructive in this way as it causes us to see ourselves and our potential as hopeless.

Destructive guilt is also undesirable because it can be misused by others to control and manipulate us.  When a person learns that they can cause you to feel fault about something, that string pulling puts them in a power position relative to you.  They become the judge and you become the felon.  They become the parent and you the child.  Guilt gives them authority over you and you become subject to their jurisdiction, a sovereign other than those that are either God Himself or a sincere representation of Him, which is dangerous.  Forward, S., Emotional Blackmail, When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation and Guilt to Manipulate You, (1997)(discussing how people use “emotional blackmail” like guilt trips to manipulate others, their spouses especially).  If we submit to the authority of anyone who can make us feel destructively guilty then we replace God with that person.  No one is going to ever love us and take care of us as much as God does, no one is to be our God other than God. 1 John 4:1-19; Exodus 20:3 (“You shall have no other gods before me.”).  We cannot allow anyone else to turn our minds away from God and towards their power instead.  If we speak with God directly and get approval from Him then other people will not have the ability to either influence us or deter us from a relationship with God.  But this all starts by not allowing others to make us feel destructive guilt. This destructive guilt is a “sin” because it separates us from God, placing others between us and God, condemning us from spiritual development.  God does not want this for us; thus, God does not want us to feel destructive guilt. See Christ’s Sacrifice.

Nevertheless, guilt is not all bad, some of it is constructive. Murray, D., Dealing with Guilt, TableTalkMagazine.com (Assessed Oct. 7, 2024)(discussing “objective” versus “subjective” guilt which is analogous to destructive vs. constructive guilt: “While the Corinthians’ objective guilt was fully removed by way of their faith in Christ, Paul still expected them to experience subjective guilt and repentance over ongoing sin as a help in turning from sin and pursuing holiness.”).  As spiritual persons we want to hold on to the responsibility that builds us up and makes us better people while letting go of the guilt that weighs us down and holds us back from a better relationship with God.  Constructive guilt motivates us to learn more about God, behave morally, be more disciplined. Howells, L., The British Psychological Society, supra (“Guilt is an energizing emotion: it drives us to act.  The most effective way to reduce guilt is to undo our behavior, make amends, atone or apologise.”); 2 Corinthians 7

"I rejoice, not that you were made sorry, but that your sorrow led to repentance.  For you were made sorry in a godly manner, that you might suffer loss from us in nothing.  For godly sorrow produces repentance leading to salvation, not to be regretted; but the sorrow of the world produces death."

We want to feel some self-reproach because it makes us more empathetic, more Christlike.  Afterall, psychopaths never feel enough guilt, murderers and serial killers; we do not want to be like them. PsychologyToday.com, Guilt (Assessed Oct. 7, 2024).  Constructive guilt causes us to want to recognize the sovereignty of God, be thankful for our existences created by Her, repent for our ungrateful sins and obtain salvation. 2 Corinthians 7 supra. This is how we reach a state of peace between us and God, knowing that we are accountable to Him for our behavior while not letting our debt get too consuming.  We hang on to the constructive kinds of embarrassment while letting go of the guilt that destroys us and our relationship with God.

Managing Constructive and Destructive Guilt

So in short, how can we govern guilt: constructive and destructive?  We first manage guilt by understanding how we are thinking when we feel reprehensible—defining that inartificial intelligence of ours.  Feeling guilty is otherwise easy to overemphasize because it is an emotion based upon our own behavior, which is natural to feel accountable for but difficult to be reasonable or objective about.  When we do not stop to reflect upon how we are processing guilt we tend to characterize our failures as self-inadequacy, rather than just imperfect conduct.  Second, our judgements about what is or is not satisfactory conduct are based upon the standards that we set, so we must redefine our values according to what is really important to us and God, not by comparisons with other people, which is commonplace.  Third, when our ways do fall short of our principles, this will trigger guilt, but we cannot habitually meditate on that remorse, instead, we should set some sort of upper limit or threshold on the amount of guilt that we carry.  Christ sets that threshold for Christians, making sure that our feelings of blame do not accumulate… so much so that we explode with culpability and condemnation.  When we acknowledge Christ and His sacrifice He is faithful to supplement all our shortcomings.

1.     Guilt Defined

First, let us look at what guilt really is: “[g]uilt is feeling self-conscious and experiencing a sense of distress about your potential responsibility for a negative outcome.”  Johnson, J., What is Guilt and How Do You Manage It?, PsychCentral.com (Oct. 18, 2022).  Thus, when we feel guilty there is usually some negative outcome that we feel bad about—some harm to another, some sin we have committed, some offense made to someone.  Then we project our negative associations with that unwanted consequence onto our impressions of self and self-esteem.  E.g., we say to ourselves, “I used profane language, ugly four-letter words, therefore I am as unattractive as that language.”  Or “I committed the act of commercial sex for a sex trafficker, I am essentially a prostitute, prostitutes are only as valuable as the price of their sexual acts, which is nothing really, I feel cheap!”  So, we equate ourselves with that negative conclusion, that undesirable thing.  We set morals for ourselves and then when our actual deeds fall short of our standards, we feel remorse about failing to meet our ideals—like we are a failure ultimately. Howells, L., Understanding guilt: The Useless emotion?, The British Psychological Society (Nov. 10, 2022).

These morals that we compare ourselves against originate during our formative years based upon what our parents taught us, then they are largely influenced by our social environments. Id.; Johnson, J., PsychCentral.com, supra.  Sometimes people raised in very low moral environments have lower standards than society.  Accordingly, we feel an inadequate amount of guilt for our misbehavior.  Other times we get around husbands or friends whose ethics are lower than our own and the next thing you know our own values are changing and we lack guilt for the things we used to shun.  Bad company corrupts good character. 1 Corinthians 15:33-34.  Alternatively, a high-moral environment, a Christianly home raises our natural paradigms toward godly ones. Proverbs 12:26.  This is why different people feel dissimilar levels of guilt about the same conduct.  Not because the behavior is actually acceptable but because our measures vary. 

2. Our Standards Redefined

So then secondly, after understanding what guilt is—self-consciousness for an outcome that fails to meet our expectations—we must understand how we have been defining our standards and reengineer said criteria for our authentic beliefs.  What do we actually believe about the way we should be living our lives, the fashion in which we will be content having lived our lives in 100 years so to speak?  This we must ask God about because She is our eternal Judge, the one to whom we will really have to answer… not our family, not our friends, not our spouses.  If we do not identify our values and know why we have them then they will become fluid, allowing others to define our character.  If our principles are set based upon comparing ourselves to others then, when in bad company, we can begin to have very low standards.  We get complacent failing to meet God’s guidelines for us.  It no longer is about pleasing Him as much as it is about appeasing people.

Many churches adopt an us-versus-them mindset, giving believers a false sense of security about their conduct in the eyes of God.  If they and their sins still fit in with the masses at church, then that is good enough.  But God assesses us, not our church friends.  Moreover, cliques in the Faith promote unhealthy competition, condemning those outside of the pack, overreacting to their sins, driving others away from faith communities, giving the “in crowd” even more false reinforcement as to their righteousness. Sarkis, S., The Psychology of Competitiveness, PsychologyToday.com (Aug. 1, 2024)(detailing how competition can be unhealthy and demoralizing, e.g., when we allow others to define our standards which can erode our sense of self-worth).  Just as too much comparativeness sabotages a workplace, it also creates an unhealthy spiritual environment. SingCapital.com, Toxic Workplace: The Impact of Unhealthy Competition and Its Solutions (Nov. 20, 2023)(“Unhealthy workplace competition occurs when employees compete in a way that harms the team or company’s productivity and well-being, leading to toxic behaviors like sabotage and gossip.”).  As humans we are all a part of the same corporation, the same organization and called upon to have a relationship with God and to promote others to do the same.  By not having our own standards we are more apt to compete with others and undermine humanity’s “company mission”—connecting to God.  Unhealthy competition is avoidable by knowing what our authentic standards are.

3.      Christ Sets the Threshold on Our Guilt

Thirdly, the threshold of our guilt is set by Christ.  When we fail to meet our ideals or God’s standards we need to rely on Christ to make up our deficiencies as believers.  This is the way that we rid ourselves of unhealthy/destructive guilt or a cycle of shame and bad behavior.  Christ, who was without sin and sent by God to reconcile us with God, is capable of indemnifying an infinite amount of sin. Romans 3:21-26 

"[F]or all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, being justified freely by His grace through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus, whom God set forth as propitiation by His blood, through faith, to demonstrate His righteousness, because in His forbearance God had passed over the sins that were previously committed, to demonstrate at the present time His righteousness, that He might be just and the justifier of the one who has faith in Jesus."

No offense is too great for Christ to erase or sinner too sinful for Christ to supplement. 1 John 1:5-10.  So, whether we have in one way or in one thousand or 1M kinds of ways failed to meet God’s expectations Christ’s sacrifice covers them all.  Therefore, even when we are “responsible for a negative outcome” and our conduct falls short of our morals we do not have to feel “self-conscious” or “distressed” about it. Johnson, J., PsychCentral.com, supra (emphasis given).  While we can allow ourselves to feel constructive guilt, motivating ourselves to improve in our behavior in the future, there is no need, however,  to dwell upon the past and feel destructive guilt, continuously condemning ourselves for previous behavior or feeling ashamed. Meyer, J., Learning to Leave the Burden of Guilt Behind, JoyceMeyer.org (Assessed Oct. 7, 2024);

"Second Corinthians 5:17 says, Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.

Being “in Christ,” or born again, means we can have a personal, intimate relationship with Him (Romans 8:16-17).  And because of that relationship, we have whatever Jesus has and the Holy Spirit lives in our spirit."

See also, Murray, D., TableTalkMagazine.com, supra citing Romans 8:1  (“There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit.”).  Christ made the ultimate sacrifice for us so that we would not feel too ashamed or condemned to approach God ever.  We can have a lasting relationship with Her. Meyer, J., JoyceMeyer.org, supra; Murray, D., TableTalkMagazine.com, supra.

"[W]hen, by God’s grace, I put my faith in Christ, my guilt was fully covered by Christ’s blood, my condemnation was removed, and I enjoyed peace with God.  When I thought of God, I no longer saw a stern Judge but a smiling face of a loving Father.  My appetite for sin diminished, and saying no to most temptation was surprisingly easy."

See also, Guilt and Shame: A Christian Therapist’s Perspective, Christian-Works.org (Sept. 15, 2023)(distinguishing shame from guilt, “[s]hame is a focus on self, guilt is a focus on behavior…” analogous to destructive and constructive guilt, “[s]hame has no place because shame says we are helpless and hopeless.  Christ says we are His.”).  The devil wants us to feel ashamed about sin, God wants us to feel redemption and included in the Heavenly Family.

Conclusion

To recap, we manage our guilt by understanding the difference between constructive guilt and destructive guilt, continuously improving in our spiritual walks while getting rid of the condemnation and shame of our imperfections.  We further decrease destructive guilt in our lives by: first, understanding what guilt is—responsibility for negative outcomes that do not meet our standards; second, identifying our authentic standards set by God and ourselves, not worrying about competing with others; and third, knowing that Christ supplements 100% of our flaws.  Consider these suggestions the next time you feel down on yourself.  Ask yourself, “am I concerned about what others think of me and not meeting their standards or am I concerned about what God thinks?”  Is not your culpability covered by Christ?  Is not His sacrifice greater than your offense?  Go to Christ, ask Him about what you should be thinking of your sin and what perspectives you should have about your guilt—constructive and destructive aspects of the same.

Until next time: God Bless & Namaste (or the spirit in me recognizes and greets the spirit in you)!