WWJD? Love, Not Domestic Abuse. What Women Need to Know About Bible Verses on "Submission."

As a Gen X/Millennial woman, I was raised to strive to achieve feats equal to that of my male counterparts.  I think that is true for most of my peers as well.  For example, I obtained a BS in a very male-dominated industry: mechanical engineering with emphasis in automotive technology.  This was encouraged by my parents and elders, as well as my teachers.  Many of my college buddies are female engineers also.  Furthermore, I went to law school after earning my science degree, so, many of my law school buddies are, as I am, women attorneys.  In all my years of spending time with my female cohorts, I had never heard of stories of women in our generation being discouraged from achieving in our professions.  Moreover, I had not been warned about the subvert domestic expectation many men still have to dominate their wives at home.  If women cannot gain equality in their abodes through wage-earning, how then can they ever obtain it?  Is this stubborn oppression really Christianly habit?

Realistically, the need to assert dominance demands, if not encourages domestic abuse and violence.  Practically speaking, how can a man force his partner into submission without it?  Consider other contexts where men are authorized to “rule over” other humans; when is that and how does it work?  Perhaps men are managers at work and they have subordinates or perhaps they have kids who must obey them.  How do men ensure compliance in these circumstances?  Economically by threatening to poorly evaluate an employee, or by spanking and punishing children?  That is how humans are managed and trained.  In a domestic circumstance, this is considered domestic violence or abuse.  How then can any man control another human without it?

You may be surprised to learn that the definition of domestic abuse includes both physical and non-physical abuse, such as emotional cruelty and financial manipulation.  If a man feels he must control his wife to feel “in charge” at home then he is probably committing domestic violence routinely.  Domestic violence is defined by the APA Task Force on Violence and the Family as “pattern of abusive behaviors including a wide range of physical, sexual, and psychological maltreatment used by one person in an intimate relationship against another to gain power unfairly or maintain that person’s misuse of power, control, and authority.” Rakovec-Felser, Domestic violence and abuse in intimate relationship from public health perspective, Health Psychology Research, vol. 2:1821 (2014).  It can include tactics such as physical aggression, threatening physical violence, threatening to end the relationship or have an affair, promising suicide, depriving basic necessities, preventing you from working, gaslighting, abusing the law to assert their power and even wife murder for freedom, life-insurance fraud and/or financial gain. Stockman, Livrite.com, Domestic Abuse in the Christian Marriage, (Assessed 02-12-2024) https://livrite.com/domestic-abuse-in-the-christian-marriage/.  Sadly, a significant number of women report experiencing some form of domestic violence every year in this country (and worldwide).  Fifty percent of marriages are marred by domestic violence, it occurs in 24-30% of all homes regularly, it is the leading cause of harm to women between ages 15 and 44—more than car accidents, muggings, rapes and cancer deaths combined, and male children who witness violence against their mothers are 700 times more likely to abuse their own wives. Id.  Still, domestic abuse is underestimated because not every victim reports abuse, thus it is a grossly unreported crime.

To make matters worse, the church has a poor reputation for correcting male members who misbelieve that controlling their wives is a godly privilege.  Both men and women are to be continuously striving to grow as Christians, so no sin should be encouraged by the church.  But many Christians have been taught that men are entitled to be hostile towards their partners in order to force them into submission, e.g., under 1 Peter 3:1-12 (“Wives []be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives…”), Ephesians 5:22-31 (“Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.  For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body.”), and Genesis 3:16 (“Your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you.”), such teachings facilitating ill-treatment of women. Institute for Family Studies and Wheatley Institution, World Family Map, Mapping Family Change and Child Well-Being Outcomes, (2019) https://ifstudies.org/reports/world-family-map/2019/executive-summary (finding higher instances of intimate partner violence (IPV) in Headship families, whether secular or highly religious and more IPV in moderately religious or “lukewarm” homes versus secular or highly religious ones).

"By proof-texting (i.e., selectively using scripture) from ‘patriarchal passages’ of their scriptures, religions can provide frames that lead men to see [intimate partner violence] as a divinely-sanctioned expression of their patriarchal authority and women to accept abusive relationships as divinely-ordained trials to be endured rather than problematic situations from which to flee."

See also, Lauderville, Medium.com, Why Fundamentalism Breeds Abusive Relationships, (Jun. 6, 2020) https://medium.com/@lydiajayokay/why-fundamentalism-breeds-abusive-relationships-59daa2567d43 (discussing promoting authoritarianism, no accountability for sin, the expectation of submission and female social shaming for complaining in male church members); LifeSavingDivorce.com, 1-in-4 Highly Religious U.S. Marriages Have Abuse, (Nov. 5, 2021) https://lifesavingdivorce.com/1in4/.  Inarguably, there are references in the Bible that, when read literally, show that God commands wives to obey their husbands, however, contemporary church leaders have diverging interpretations of these scripts, one of Headship and the other of Egalitarianism.  Headship is sometimes also called Complementarianism, Traditionalism or Fundamentalism, and it is defined as

"believing that while men and women are both of equal, intrinsic value before God and are also both of equal value and importance within a marriage, they have different, complementary roles or functions, with the husband serving as the head of the family and the wife submitting to his headship."

SaferResource.org.au, The Bible on… Understanding what the Bible says about faith issues that relate to domestic violence is a key step for any churches engaging in this area, (Assessed 02-12-2024) https://www.saferresource.org.au/the_bible_on_domestic_family_violence (emphasis given).

Contrastingly, Egalitarianism is defined by “believing in equality within marriage without distinct roles based on gender and that both husband and wife lead family life collaboratively.” Id.  Each are widely accepted in the most popular denominations today.  I, however, am clearly an egalitarian and here is why.  The understandings of many scriptures change over time, even for the most traditional churches.  Whether we admit it or not, Christian standards are vastly less strict than they were 1,000 years ago, which are more liberal than 1,000 years before that. Jones, LifeHopeandTruth.com, Was Christianity Designed to Evolve?, (Assessed 02-13-2024) https://lifehopeandtruth.com/change/the-church/was-christianity-designed-to-evolve/.  When the Bible was written, two to seven millennia ago, women were not educated in middle-class vocations where they could become financially independent or tutored into useful leadership roles in the church.  There was a merit-based reason for limiting women’s rights in a marriage: at that time women were viewed more as property or slaves than people.  Kamionkowski, Jwa.org, Violence Against Women in the Hebrew Bible, (Jun. 23, 2021) https://jwa.org/encyclopedia/article/violence-against-women-in-the-hebrew-bible (discussing women being treated as rewards for warriors conquering a city in Judges 21 or men testing their wives for infidelity by forcing consumption of a poison in Numbers 5).  She was not recognized as a citizen, she was incapable of voting, working, and being educated, so how could she be a spokesperson for the family or make informed decisions about the same in society?  Today, however, in terms of mental competencies women are considered just as capable, and sometimes more, than the average man in their industries. Anyaso, News.Northwestern.edu, Women no longer regarded as less competent than men but still seen as less ambitious and decisive, (Assessed 02-13-2024) https://news.northwestern.edu/stories/2019/07/women-no-longer-regarded-as-less-competent-than-men-but-still-seen-as-less-ambitious-and-decisive/#:~:text=Researchers%20investigated%20how%20gender%20stereotypes,have%20evolved%20over%20seven%20decades.&text=Good%20news%20for%20women%20%E2%80%94%20they,stereotypes%20in%20the%20United%20States (citing a Northwestern University study finding that: women now earn more college degrees than men, most respondents believe women are equally intelligent to men, and 9% of those surveyed, versus 5% for men, estimated that women are more intelligent than men).  This suggests that a literal reading of the submission texts in heterosexual marriages was a temporal guideline, not a permanent rule. Stockman, Livrite.com, supra.

I know that God does not hate us women… any more than He loathed blacks, Israelites or any other previously oppressed subsection of humanity.  Further, I am certain that She does not devalue us for characteristics She designed.  But if we read the submission scriptures literally and wives are to always, in all ways, obey their husbands as if they are Christ Himself, then women would be forever cursed to second-class citizenship in their own homes and communities.  I do not believe that is a just reading of the texts considering modern expectations and standards.  And God is a just God. Psalms 89:14 (“Righteousness and justice are the foundation of Your throne; Mercy and truth go before Your face.”).  As more responsibilities are placed on the modern woman, certainly greater deference should be given to her insights and opinions.

Therefore, in the interests of peaceful homes everywhere, it is important for each family to ask themselves which interpretation of these submission texts your house and your local church adopts? 

Nevertheless, Even Headship Does Not Support Domestic Violence

Nevertheless, even if we assume a worst-case scenario for a girl out here today, and that is that your household is a Headship home, I will argue that domestic violence is still, nevertheless not WJWD.  First, if your husband wants to be the point guard of the team due to Christian obligations, then he should know how the Bible defines godly leadership. See e.g., Matthew 20:26-28 as quoted by SaferResource.org.au, The Bible on… Understanding what the Bible says about faith issues that relate to domestic violence is a key step for any churches engaging in this area, supra

"For an abuser, the belief that they have an inherent right to power and the threat of the potential loss of their personal power fuels their violence.  The abuser typically views marriage as a pyramid of power with themselves on top and is constantly trying to secure their position.  This is why abusers are controlling, easily angered, critical, and why they isolate their spouses from friends and family.

God uses power very differently. …

‘You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them.  Not so with you.  Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your slave – just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His [sic] life as a ransom for many.’ Matthew 20:26-28"

Leadership is a role of service more than anything else, thus, wifely submission is made more palatable by her husband’s selflessness.

Second, the Bible admonishes violence of any kind. Id. citing e.g., Psalms 11:5-6 (“The Lord tests the righteous, But the wicked and the one who loves violence His soul hates.”) and Proverbs 3:27-30 (“Do not strive with a man without cause, if he has done you no harm.”).  As Christians, we are called to be compassionate towards all people, Christians or not, wives or colleagues. See e.g., John 13:34-35 (“A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; as I have loved you, that you also love one another.  ‘By this all will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.’ ”) and John 15:12-13.  We are to love others as God loves us, and how does God love us? 1 Corinthians 13 

"Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.  Love never fails. …"

If this is the way we are to treat strangers, why then should husbands treat outsiders better than their own wives?

Third, as licensed marriage and family therapist Gretchen Stockman insightfully noticed, even under a Traditionalist reading of the submission texts, submission is an instruction from God to wives that they may or may not choose to follow, like any other commandment.

"Regardless of whether or not God intended for wives to submit to their husbands as a temporary provision or permanently across the ages, the mandate to submit is given to wives.  It is not given to husbands to demand that their wives submit to them.  Submission is a choice and must be earned by husbands, who are to love their wives as Christ loved the church.  Submission and loving like Christ, therefore, are two sides of the same coin, and in practice approximates mutual submission and reciprocity."

Livrite.com, Domestic Abuse in the Christian Marriage, supra.  Submission scriptures are not licenses to husbands to harm their wives to force their compliance with the scriptures.  If a wife chooses not to submit to her husband under a Headship household that “sin” is between her and God, for God to enforce.

Fourth, some Christian authors have reasoned that Jesus—recognizing the suffering of disenfranchised women—was intentionally sympathetic to women and their oppression, something that was revolutionary for His time. CBEInternational.org, Biblical Egalitarianism and the Inerrancy of Scripture, (Assessed 02-13-2024) https://www.cbeinternational.org/resource/biblical-egalitarianism-and-inerrancy-scripture/ (referring to Jesus tutoring and commissioning women to be apostles, having women friends, forgiving the sins of women, using them in His parables, healing what would have been untouchable women with bleeding issues, healing or resurrecting other women and presenting Himself resurrected to women first); see also, Moder, Juaniaproject.com,  What Does the Bible Say About Domestic Abuse?, (Oct. 12, 2017) https://juniaproject.com/bible-say-domestic-violence/ 

"Jesus reminds us that the vulnerable are violated by the denial of justice.  He reveals God’s heart for compassion, healing, and restoration to a full and equal life (Luke 11:46, 17:2, 18:1-8, John 8:1-11).  This is why Jesus stops the stoning of the woman under suspicion of adultery (John 8:1-11), heals the bleeding woman (Luke 8:43), and speaks to the woman at the well who has had five husbands (John 4:1-42).

Men had the power and privilege in family and societies in biblical times and still do today in many situations.  Jesus addresses the marginalization and abuse of these women by the men who should have protected and provided for them so they could flourish.  By speaking to these, and other women in Scripture, Jesus brings women back into a position of status in society."

Jesus Christ had a relatively high regard for women, perhaps this was purposeful.  He showed exceptional compassion towards women knowing they were then typically unjustly marginalized drastically more than today.

Fifth, godly men are to yield also, particularly to government authority, to comply with their state’s laws. Romans 13:1-3

"Let every soul be subject to the governing authorities.  For there is no authority except from God, and the authorities that exist are appointed by God.  Therefore whoever resist the authority resists the ordinance of God, and those who resist will bring judgment on themselves.  For rulers are not a terror to good works, but to evil. …"

Although it may not have been unlawful when the Bible was written, domestic violence has since then certainly become illegal throughout the States. Michigan Compiled Laws §750.81; Michigan State Police, Michigan.gov, Domestic Violence Awareness, https://www.michigan.gov/msp/services/safetytips/safety-information/domestic-violence-awareness  (Assessed 02-13-2024).

"Domestic violence is not a family matter.  It is a crime, and it is in Michigan.  The Michigan State Police Crime in Michigan publication tells us there were 91,004 reported victims and 105 reported murders related to domestic violence in 2017.  Domestic violence is a misdemeanor punishable by up to 93 days in jail and/or a $500 fine."

Thus, being domestically abusive is synonymous with not paying your taxes or committing another crime.  The Bible advises that it is unwise to defy lawful authority, so domestic violence crimes should be avoided for spiritual reasons as well.  Afterall, what man, Christian or otherwise, wants to bear criminal burden for insisting upon the submission of their wife?  What other sin enforcement comes with criminal repercussions… unless one is in an extremist cult or something?

Further in terms of lawfulness, when at work, school or interfacing with professionals in those contexts, it is usually unlawful to discriminate against women. See e.g., Michigan’s Elliott-Larsen Civil Rights Act; 42 USC §§1981 et seq. & 3601 et seq..  The policy behind changing societal laws to enable women to have more power included male sinfulness: selfishness, abuse of power and unreasonable control over women.  Are men too strict traditional constructionists of the Bible when it comes to policing female sin but too loose liberals when it comes to finding the planks in their own eyes?  The Law suggests so.

Even under the most conservative reading of the Bible, we know that: (i) biblical leadership is about service not selfishness, (ii) Christ was non-violent, (iii) that women, like men, answer to God for their (submission) sins, not man, (iv) that Christ demonstrated revolutionary compassion towards women, not exploitation, and (v) that domestic violence is unlawful and for that reason alone ungodly.  We know that God is love, 1 John 4:16, which is compassion, which is the opposite of violence or abuse, which is more like hate.

How Can Domestic Violence Offenders Think More Christianly?

So how can Christian men become more Christianly about the way they treat disputes at home?  Here are some of the usual mindsets of the men and women who struggle with domestic abuse.  In sum, men exercise domestic violence so that they can control their wives. “Domestic violence is about power and control.” Litner, PsychCentral.com, What Causes Domestic Violence?, (Sept. 30, 2021) https://psychcentral.com/lib/what-causes-domestic-violence#:~:text=Domestic%20violence%20is%20a%20choice,domestic%20violence%20as%20a%20child.  Abusers seek something their victims would otherwise not grant them and rather than being reasonable about the other party’s grounds for refusal, they insist upon being able to get away with their schemes for imbalanced enrichment.  That is what they are thinking: selfish control.

According to experts, abusers have a higher likelihood of having several standout personality traits, including but not limited to, having: past experiences with abuse growing up, low self-esteem, narcissism (or extreme selfishness), and/or a sense of male entitlement.  Kippert, DomesticShelters.org, Profile of an Abuser, Is it possible to spot an abuser before you get involved?, (Jun. 06, 2022) https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/profile-of-an-abuser.  These personality disorders are not what God teaches us about ourselves, rather they are bad habits that some have developed by living in a very imperfect world.

In terms of past experiences, God tells us that we are not the sins of our parents. Ezekiel 18:19-20 (“The soul who sins shall die.  The son shall not bear the guilt of the father, nor the father bear the guilt of the son.  The righteousness of the righteous shall be upon himself, and the wickedness of the wicked shall be upon himself.”); 2 Corinthians 5:17 (“[I]f anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.”); and Deuteronomy 24:16. 

As to low self-esteem God does not tell us to be insecure or fearful about anything but that we are ourselves “fearfully and wonderfully made.” Psalms 139:13-14; 1 Peter 2:9-10

"[Y]ou are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, His own special people, that you may proclaim the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light; who once were not a people but are now the people of God, who had not obtained mercy but now have obtained mercy."

See also, Jeremiah 29:11-14 (discussing God thinking peaceful thoughts about us, “not of evil, to give [us] a future and a hope.”).

While being selfish may enable us to get more than we deserve in the short run, the Bible teaches us that this is ill-gotten gain. Proverbs 11:24-26 (discussing withholding “more than is right” leading to poverty); 1 Corinthians 10:24 (“Let no one seek his own, but each one the other’s well-being.”); Luke 6:38; Philippians 2:1-8; and 2 Timothy 3:1-5.  Instead, we are to be empathetic to all of humanity, even strangers and the poor.

We discussed Headship above and how that conservative view of the Bible still does not sanction domestic violence or forced submission.  There is no spiritual excuse for domestic violence.  For men having trouble controlling their own tempers, try turning to godly direction for advice instead of the world’s self-centered patriarchy.  Moreover, talk to a mental health expert or counselor about managing your anger. 

The wives that tend to stay in domestically abusive relationships and not complain have a certain pathology as well.  They tend to stay to protect others, such as their needy partners, the kids or having an unrealistically hopeful optimism that their partners will change.  Stockman, Livrite.com, supra.  While service to others is in line with Christian values, your husband’s bad judgment, which habitually compromises your safety could cost you your life.  Therefore, Christian wives must ask themselves and God is their sacrifice really WJWD?  Advice from a mental health counselor is necessary for any woman who suspects that she may be experiencing domestic abuse.  Eventually, you can both go to a marriage/family counselor.  Moreover, there are a wealth of legal and housing resources that allow for women to get help and get rid of domestic violence including local law enforcement and the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or https://www.thehotline.org/ .  Your local church can also be a good resource if their leadership is educated on the moral and legal obligations they have to exercise reasonable care with domestic violence victims.

Lastly, the family that prays together, more happily stays together. Institute for Family Studies and Wheatley Institution, World Family Map, Mapping Family Change and Child Well-Being Outcomes, supra.  The 2019 World Family Map found that the more often families prayed together the higher they rated the quality of their relationships.  Whatever issues you and your spouse are working through, prayer should help.  In your disagreements, try to also pray for each other that you both be guided by our God and His divine wisdom in your decisionmaking.

Until next time: Namaste (or the spirit in me recognizes and greets the spirit in you)!