The "Trade Secret" to Self-Worth--Seeking God's Validation

We all have the desire to feel loved, worthy, validated and accepted.  If we are not assured by some external validator we wonder whether we are good enough and we can become overly critical of ourselves.  Having high self-esteem and self-worth are keys to positive mental health and well-being, enabling us to cope with life’s trials and disappointments, to put life in the proper perspective; when we have higher self-worth we are more charitable and empathetic, we handle stress better, we are kinder to ourselves, less reactive, less depressed, and have better self-acceptance. Vanbuskirk, S., VeryWellMind.com, Why It’s Important to Have High Self-Esteem, (Feb. 21, 2023); Indeed.com, 12 Benefits of Self-Esteem (And 10 Tips To Improve Yours, (Mar. 5, 2024).

No one wants to hate themselves; we all want to be kind to ourselves.  It is embarrassing to not fit in or feel good enough.  Few want to admit their insecurities and we all have them.  Truthfully, some of the most arrogant people outwardly are those with the lowest self-security inwardly. Martinuzzi, B., MindTools.com, Confident or Arrogant? How to tell the difference and why it matters, (Mar. 11, 2019)(“Perhaps the most fundamental difference [between arrogance and confidence] is that arrogance often masks insecurity.  That’s why arrogant people are boastful about their achievements and abilities while tending to demean others.”).  We think them not accepting us is about us, but really it is about their insecurities—they need someone to be on “the outside” for them to feel like they have a place on the inside.

I had the unfortunate experience of having very arrogant and materialistic former managers.  As a young attorney I naturally sought to prove my worth and competence to senior leadership in the Bar.  However unbeknownst to me at the time, in private practice—a mammon-driven environment—supervisors often dangle financial carrots in front of new attorneys to bait them into unethical behaviors.  Because I am not a very money-focused person, nevertheless, the allure of promotions and fast wealth did not move me towards lessening my values.  Being unable to accept that as my resolve, these attorneys even more unprofessionally sought to manufacture such dependency in me.  In essence, my attorney-managers tried to give me low self-esteem about industrywide employment and salary expectations to control me.  Wicked attorneys used whatever lack they could find or defraud to up-play; they did so to try to lower my self-worth, emphasizing: their fraudulently induced unemployment coupled with gang stalking and sex harassment, my singlehood, non-mother status, increasing age, their interference with my social life, my weight and other things.  They flaunted their control over most of these things to try to give me low self-esteem so that I could submit to them and their flagrant immoral and illegal business practices—extorting me into rebelling against both man’s law and God’s Law to acquiesce to their frauds for “validation.”  Listen, Superman and our comic-book heroes are not the only ones who have a demonic nemesis lurking in the shadows to try to pull them and society down… there are Lex Luthors out here waiting for us all, ready to prey upon our insecurities.  Self-worth gives us contentment with ourselves and peace with life; it protects us against many of the traps that people (and the devil acting through them) set for us.  Thus, we need high self-worth; we must fortify our faith.

Contemporary Status of Self-Worth

A recent international study conducted by The Body Shop notes that one in two women feel more self-doubt than self-love.  The Body Shop Press Release, PR Newswire, Self Love Crisis: 1 in 2 Women Worldwide Feel More Self-doubt Than Self-love (Mar. 8, 2021); The Body Shop Global Self-Love Index (fieldwork carried out Dec. 2020).  Another analysis estimates that “roughly 85% of people worldwide (adults and adolescents) have low self-esteem.” Guttman, J., PsychologyToday.com, The Relationship with Yourself, (June 27, 2019)(also citing the World Health Organization in reporting that the current suicide rate is higher than the homicide rate).  Moreover, an underrepresentation of self-love often manifests itself as self-harm, which is on the rise.  The National Center for Health Statistics reports that between 2001 and 2021, the suicide rate for people aged 10-24 nearly doubled while the rate for homicides declined, going from 6.8 deaths per 100,000 to 11.0. Curtin, S. et al., Suicide and Homicide Death Rates Among Youth and Young Adults Aged 10-24: United States, 2001-2021, NCHS Data Brief No. 471 (June 2023).

So why are we falling out of love with ourselves?... Perhaps because we are falling out of love with God and the godly aspects of ourselves… and in love with the world? James 4:1-10 (“Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God?  Whoever therefore wants to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God.… Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and He will lift you up.”).

The World’s Sense of Worth

When discussing one’s concept of oneself, I want to focus on two common phrases used to address how we view ourselves: self-worth and self-esteem.  It is important to recognize that many counselors distinguish between the two.  Self-esteem is defined as situational judgements that we make about ourselves based upon “your thoughts and feelings about yourself.”  It is seen as less stable or inconsistent. Shafir, H. et al., ChoosingTherapy.com, Self-Worth vs. Self-Esteem: Understanding the Differences, (Sept. 29, 2023).  Contrastingly, self-worth is a broader version of self-esteem that is less influenced by outside factors and more based upon “core beliefs you have about your worth and value.”  Self-worth is more consistent over time. Id.  The difference is important to us because self-worth is foundational and self-esteem builds upon self-worth.

See my image above.  We naturally emotionally respond to feedback from the world; when opinions are positive, this gives us a sense of high self-esteem (and/or self-confidence, self-love, and self-respect), there is nothing inherently wrong with that.  However, people can give us negative feedback as well, and since positive viewpoints help build up our self-esteem et al., why shouldn’t the negative comments tear them down?  When we are around more negative people we can feel low about ourselves and have lower self-esteem.  But if our (fundamental) self-worth is sturdy we can better weather criticism and become less dependent upon what others think of us.

The way we build our shelters of healthy self-concept are not by depending upon others in the world but by making sure that our own groundwork (or self-worth) is in order, first repairing the underlying structure upon which our self-esteem depends.  Consider trying to build your house without a concrete pad, only with self-esteem and external factors—braced by a field of sand, relying on others in the world to support our shelter. 

Does the sound of that make you feel more or less secure?...  Less secure, if not anxious.  Why?  Because the world can be a very cruel place, with extremely flaky characters, negative comments and people who thrive off hurting other people’s feelings.  Christ teaches that if we follow His principles—being nonjudgmental, seeking a relationship with God, being disciplined, and doing God’s work on Earth—then our lives (and self-esteem) are built upon solid rock. Matthew 7:24-29

"Therefore whoever hears these sayings of Mine, and does them, I will liken him to a wise man who built his house on the rock: and the rain descended, the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house; and it did not fall, for it was founded on the rock. 

But everyone who hears these sayings of Mine, and does not do them, will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand: and the rain descended, the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house; and it fell.  And great was its fall."

See also, Psalms 118:5-9 (“It is better to trust in the Lord than to put confidence in man.  It is better to trust in the Lord than to put confidence in princes.”).  So, we cannot reliably allow for our sole source of validation to be vested in human beings.  If we look for our shelters of security in other people’s approval, at least some of those people will take advantage of that.  See my last article, Downing, K., Fortify Your Faith, The Love of Money is a Lure (April 2024ed).  People will bait us with things like money or titles, manipulate us, misuse us, physically abuse us, keep us down mentally, steal from us, and then gaslight us into believing that it was all our fault.  This can trap us into a cycle of abuse that often starts with extraordinary compliments and flattery.  But things that seem too good to be true usually are.

Have you ever seen a complimentary gas station?  No—no one, nowhere gives free gas.  Most people going above and beyond to gas you up are giving you their “fuel” to which they monopolize so that they can control you and abuse the dependency they have cultivated.  Even our churches—the most generous, charitable organizations on Earth… filled with God’s special helpers—pass a collection plate once a week.  If we use enough of a church’s resources without giving, doing so looks awkward and ungrateful.  We can know then that everyone wants something in exchange for something.  Therefore, if we are relying on the world to tell us that we are worthy, the world’s sense of worth comes at the price of what exactly?...  A soul?

Spirituality is The Greatest “Trade Secret” to Obtaining Genuine Self-Worth

We require a more credible assessor to determine our worth than our colleagues, family, friends or shrinks.  Honestly, what am I really worth??????  What makes me so worthwhile, worth loving, worth liking, worth praising, worth admiring?  You are simply a human, like me, so how do you know what I am worth any more than I know?  We are all human so who are we to judge how worthy another human being is of anything?  God alone is superior to us and it is Her divinity that makes Her credible in authenticating our worth.  What are any of us really “worth” without God?  Our self-worth comes from God and faith in the value She places upon our lives. “1 in 5 people in [the] US mention their faith or religion as being important to high confidence.”  The Body Shop Global Self-Love Index (fieldwork carried out Dec. 2020)(other influential factors include their relationships with their family, mental wellbeing and physical wellbeing). 

In the way that self-worth is foundational to self-esteem, our spirituality is fundamental to our existence.  We are human beings, having a mind, body and spirit.  Our spirits are the only eternal aspects of ourselves, they are who we will ultimately become.  So, our spirit selves are more elementary to who and what we really are: i.e., our ultimate worth.  Therefore, spiritual lessons are the most potent source of energy that we have in this lifetime to treat our concepts of self.  Spirituality is nuclear, while mental health counseling and layperson opinions are more like wood-burning stoves.

To use another fuel analogy, consider food consumption.  The praise of others is like junk food, giving us a temporary high and satisfaction only to lack the nourishment that we crave and need to survive.  If we do not have the proper level of nutrient-rich self-worth, we look for validation all the more fervently and likely in many of the wrong places, like affirmation in money, materialism, “arrival…” “arrival” into an elite class of blacks, sex and sexual attractiveness, status and titles, employment, degrees, accolades, friends and colleagues, and family titles like “Mrs.” and “mother.”  We feel like when we have these things or win over enough of these people we are successful in life and adequate as a human.  But these descriptors are incomplete characterizations of who we really are internally, divinely.  Obtaining them makes us high in the moment but they do not sustain us throughout life… like snack food. 

Religious lessons about us are, in contrast, truly satisfying.  They make us feel peaceful and they are inspired by a vetted Judge.  Knowing God’s view of us provides a 12-course meal of nutritional worth, like Mom’s famous Christmas dinners!  My Mom has for our family all kinds of beverages, BBQ ribs, roasted Brussels sprouts, turkey and gravy, my fav—PRIME RIB, mashed potatoes, candied yams, string beans, collard greens, dressing, mac and cheese, and a spread of desserts including sweet potato pie, red velvet cake, German chocolate cake, ice cream, apple pie and pound cake. (Man, it is truly a feast!)  That is the table God sets for us, nourishing us with all our favorite soul foods, ones that stick to our ribs, making us feel super-loved and keeping us sustained throughout the week.  Even though I like my fair share of junk food occasionally, Flaming Hot Cheetos, Funyuns, Sour Patch Kids, Pepsi, Snickers, and Milk Duds cannot sustain me in life and they will never compare to Mom’s soul food.  Likewise, this Earth’s junk food—accolades from our professional industries, family, friends, college degrees or compliments—neither equates to our Eternal Mother’s smorgasbord.

Many of us first learn about God’s regard for us from our parents because they originally teach us the parameters of our worth. “Parenting strategies are one of the biggest determining factors [in defining self-worth and self-esteem], and those with highly critical, abusive, or neglectful parents have the most negative impact.” Shafir, H. et al., ChoosingTherapy.com, Self-Worth vs. Self-Esteem: Understanding the Differences, (Sept. 29, 2023).  When parents are godlike, however, parental compassion is nearly unparalleled in this life.  No one “moms” us like our mothers, no one protects us like our fathers.  Yet, there is no such thing as a perfect parent so they will inevitably leave cracks in our self-worth.  The love of our caretakers is but a relatively small and deficient slice out of the breadth of God’s love. 

Because God made us, He knows how to repair our foundation flaws, those left by life and our mortal parents.  God loves us and says that we are worthy of love.  God loves us like no relative we have ever had and Jesus loves us like no friend we could ever have.  God’s love is sacrificial and unconditional. O’Reilly, K., ScripturalGrace.com, 28 Bible Verses About God’s Unconditional Love (Nov. 16, 2023)(citing Romans 5:6-8,

"For when we were still without strength, in due time Christ died for the ungodly.  For scarcely for a righteous man will one die; yet perhaps for a good man someone would even dare to die.  But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us."

See also, John 15:9-17 (“As the Father loved Me, I also have loved you; abide in My love… Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends.”).  Talk about a ride-or-die friend!  God always accepts us and approves of us overall, despite what religious leaders may teach.  Unlike the highs-and-lows of external compliments, Her love is steady and constant, vastly greater than we will ever comprehend on Earth. Romans 8:31-39 (“For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”).  As we live more of life, we keep learning about God’s infinite affection for us, which gives us a positive increase of God’s accolades.  Believe it or not, we feel higher and higher the more we sit at Her table, the more we get to know God.

To receive God’s reparations,, we must trust God to heal us and continue to develop a relationship with God.  First, self-confidence comes from trusting in God. Mahoney, K., LearnReligions.com, Bible Verses About Self-Worth, Scriptures on Confidence and Self-Worth for Christian Teens (Assessed 05-21-2024).  Proverbs 3:5-6 teaches us to “[t]rust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; [i]n all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.”  When we put our confidence in God He guides us in life, telling us which paths to choose and what to do with ourselves.  When we ask, He will let us know what to do with the life, gifts and talents that He gave us.  He will “keep [our] foot from being caught.” Proverbs 3:26.

Second, we develop pride in who God thinks we are when we form a relationship with God.  We get to know God through church, spiritual podcasts, conferences, gospel concerts, books and online resources.  Spiritual development must be a part of our routines.  For us to not fall victim to people preying upon our lack of self-esteem, we must vest our honor in what God says about us. OpenBible.info, 100 Bible Verses About Our Worth to God, (Assessed 05-26-2024).  His feelings about humanity and you specifically counteract what people in the world will tell you about your significance.  When we use God as fuel we do not feel desperate for other people’s gas stations, snack foods or anything else. 

Lastly, we cannot wait until we are inundated with negative thoughts or doubts about ourselves to rely on God for our self-appreciation because it may become difficult to pull ourselves out of the negativity.  Once we are saturated in pessimism it is too cumbersome to find and maintain a clean mental slate, much less an optimistic one.  We must be proactive about reminding ourselves what God says about us and the worth He assigns us.  We decrease the unconstructive voices in our head by increasing the loving ones in our environment.  It is difficult to train your brain to not think about something.  For example, if I said do not, do not, whatever you do, do not imagine the color red… what was the first thing your brain did?  Saw red right?  And as you kept repeating to yourself do not imagine red, you only imagined red more, correct?  Well, if I said isn’t purple a pretty color?  Tell me what your favorite shades of purple are and how you experienced them?  Immediately you think of the variety of ways you have experienced purple: beautiful lilacs in springtime bloom here in Michigan, my favorite water bottle, royalty, lavender fields, etc.  And when was the last time you thought red?  In order to eliminate the negative voices from our heads we have to (actively) fill our minds with something positive, the things we do want to think about.  Cherry, K., VeryWellMind.com, What is Self-Esteem?, (Dec. 05, 2023)(discussing using positive self-talk and practicing self-compassion to build healthier self-esteem); Vanbuskirk, S., VeryWellMind.com, Why It’s Important to Have High Self-Esteem, (Feb. 21, 2023)

"Think of Yourself as a Friend.  You’re likely to be more patient, forgiving, kind, encouraging, supportive, and proud as you assess a friend than you are of yourself.  So, next time you’re beating up on yourself, step back, shift your perspective, and look at yourself as you would a friend."

Regularly remind yourself, weekly, daily, about your worth in God’s eyes.  God thinks “thoughts of peace” towards us “and not of evil, to give [us] a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11.  In God’s “light we see light.” Psalms 36:7-9.  Meditate frequently on God’s light.  Otherwise, it will be more difficult to outspeak the demonic voices that some people use to try to invade our hearts and minds, aiming to undermine and control our (liberating) spirituality. 2 Corinthians 3:17 (“Now the Lord is that Spirit and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty.”).

If you are struggling with your self-worth, in addition to fortifying your faith, you can also seek mental health counseling. Psychotherapists can help us get the appropriate perspective on our strengths and weaknesses.

Until next time: God Bless & Namaste (or the spirit in me recognizes and greets the spirit in you)!